The helplessness in yelling.

I saw his teary eyes and my heart broke a little. He had been very, very naughty more than once in the last thirteen minutes and I just had not been able to stay calm enough. I had been yelling at him like crazy. And it was not even the first time.

yelling children parenting

I cannot remember if my mother did that. She did when we were older, but not in a way that I can actually recall a specific situation. What I do remember is that she hardly ever said sorry. And that I thought it was incredibly unfair. When you’re wrong, you should say you’re sorry. Admit that you were wrong, even, and maybe especially to a child.

So I told my son I was sorry for yelling. We cuddled and all was well again. But it still bothered me. Not that I had to say sorry, but that I had yelled at him. I know yelling doesn’t do a thing. He doesn’t listen better for it, it doesn’t make him apologize or rethink his actions. It’s merely an expression of my own helplessness to address the situation. Me losing it basically.

Am I a bad mother for that? Probably not. As I feel it, it’s quite an everyday situation. Nothing to be proud of. Nothing to make a drama of neither. But on the other hand: it isn’t. It’s not the way I want to parent. And my heart cringes if I think how it must feel to be in his shoes at those moments. I recognize his feelings then – he gets angry, stubborn, sad… all the things I experience myself. Why on earth would I want to inflict that on my child?

Of course I wouldn’t. And later that night, when I finally had gotten him into his jammies, convinced him to get his teeth brushed and ended the day once more on a negative note, with him hiding in our room instead of going to his… I responded the way I intended to: I gave him the chance to correct his behavior and when he didn’t, he had to suffer the consequence I had warned him for: no bedtime story.

I don’t know who felt punished more (I love story time!), but it was the right thing to do. Better then yelling anyway. At first he cried bitter tears in his bed, after a cuddle and a kiss. I walked into his room again, explained once more why I would not tell him a story and promised that I would tomorrow, if his behavior was better. Lots of cuddles and sweet kisses – but no bed time story. He sniffed a little but accepted it and wished me good night. Instantly fell asleep.

I, on the other hand, will need a bit more time to do so.

Advertisements

Author: Elvira

Woman, wife, mother. Trying to slow down and take the time to listen.

5 thoughts on “The helplessness in yelling.”

  1. i had one of those days a couple of days ago, her consequence was to go to sleep before than usual, because she was too tired and didn’t want to nap. i grown up in a yelling house, so even if i try with all my forces, i always end up yelling, and then i’ve to tell her how sorry i am, she doesn’t understand why do i yell at her… once i read grandmothers educate our children, and i kind of understand it. wendie’s “older” than your little one so we interact, we talk about it and she knows i act wrong but she doesn’t judge me, just comes with a smile and gives me a big huge. also, she reminds me each night if i did or didn’t yell, which helps me a lot to contain me.

    1. “grandmothers educate our children”… that’s so true. I’m very happy with the way my mother has raised me, and as I said, I can’t remember the yelling. But… I was a very, very sweet kid. My son reminds me because some behavior of mine is instantly copied. Makes one think…

  2. My mother was “always right”. I’ve always felt that it is so important for us to say sorry to our children when necessary. I can tell from your post that you have empathy – you are able to put yourself in your son’s shoes. That is so important! Parenting is often a challenge, isn’t it? I love how it makes us grow though!

  3. I feel you. I had those days when all the anger and yelling were passed on to my son and I regretted it so much. I never did it again. When I saw his eyes, and how innocent he was. I just had to stop. I also remembered that INSIDE OUT movie. It was an eye opener. I felt the need to give him happy memories as much as I can.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s