Yesterday my husband and I had a long, difficult talk. I’m not going into details here, but some things he said were true. Or could become true. He thought my computer time had just grown into a bad habit of surfing around, like some kind of runaway from reality. While I do not agree, I can see where this comes from and there are some things that I could change. He said he missed the part of me that just did things, tried new things, planted seeds (let’s kindly forget his rant of last year that I only planted seeds to neglect them afterwards – while now he’s complaining that I’m not planting seeds at all), knitted, went out, suggested things to do. He’s wrong because I still do those things, he just doesn’t see them. I have my own rhythm and it seems that it works best without having him around. That’s not a nice thing to say, because I do love my husband very much, but we have been struggling lately and I think I lost the energy to invest all the time and getting nothing but negativeness back. I know my husband does see the positives, he just does not talk about them. That’s the way he ticks. The strange thing was that in the conversation he somehow turned his voice and acknowledged his own weaknesses and that they were part of the problem. He was just sad that where I had seemed to cope before, I fell a bit apart lately. And he felt like he was stuck in a downward spiral of having nothing to say or to tell and avoiding real interaction. He was used to that behavior, but now he feels like I’m doing the same and it scares him. At some point he begged me to be the strong one and get us out of it.
Wow. Clearly I had to get that off my chest. How painful it was however, I was proud of him to try to translate his emotions into words. And while I protected myself by telling him that I refused to be the one that put all the energy in us without getting anything back, something that I know I really need to bring back that freshness and initiative, I took mental note of the things I could and was willing to change.
Less computer time and blogging when he’s home from work. That’s a good place to start and I hope it will make him feel better instantly. I might even feel better too.
And then I planted seeds. You know, he brought it up. And I had really wanted to do it this year, I even bought some seeds a few weeks ago. Some mouse or rat or other animal had managed to get into my packages and feasted on my beans and stuff, so I had to get some new ones. Getting them in the earth didn’t even take much time. And it feels like the seeds I put in the earth, aren’t the only thing I have planted…